NASCAR Life

NASCAR definitions that sound like life lessons:

Understeer - hitting the wall with the front of the car.

Oversteer - hitting the wall with the back of the car.

Push - description of a car that won't turn in smoothly.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - official band of NASCAR events - also the only band ever who failed to be able to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune.

Hitting the wall - the result of over driving a car that "pushes", or - trying too hard.

Spin - missing the wall entirely when pushing the car. Also something much worse than it sounds. Also (ironically) to go for a leisurely drive.
Eg. "Experienced NASCAR drivers would all like to take Danica Patrick for a "spin"."

The pits - a place to stop to refuel, change tires, adjust the car's setup or (ironically) the place you find yourself after "hitting the wall".

Racing under caution - doing what you do while it is more dangerous than normal to do - no passing allowed. Also a very good time to visit the pits voluntarily.

Trading paint - bumping other cars to get a better position. Almost all paint swaps are considered unfair by at least one participant.

Penalty - something inexplicable that affects the standings.

Danica Patrick - the ONLY NASCAR driver worth watching/interviewing/photographing.

Crash - the primary reason 30 to 50 thousand fans will attend a NASCAR event is to see at least one. Ironically, to hopefully be involved in one is also the reason 30 to 50 percent of all NASCAR drivers enter any given race.

Sponsor - persons and corporations who pay to have their names and corporate logos painted on the cars - also a NASCAR slang term that means "has more money than brains".

Rookie driver - someone in immanent danger of experiencing a crash.

Bill France - God, on Sunday afternoon AFTER church is done.

Richard Petty - The Holy Spirit of NASCAR. Possibly also a member of the Osmond clan (dental records need to be checked).

Budweiser - sponsor and lubricant, but not a lubricant manufacturing sponsor. Also the official fuel of all NASCAR fans.

Corner - the place the crashes happen.

Straightaway - the place you prepare for the crash.

Talented driver - a driver who mostly causes other drivers to crash.

Lubricant - see "Budweiser" also "sponsor".

Wrench - Verb: (1) to violently pull, twist or sever or (2) to repair a car. Noun: a mechanic. NASCAR mechanics perform #2 while Canadian Tire mechanics mostly perform #1.

Experienced driver - multiple crash survivor.

Pace car - the one car on the track that really doesn't belong there and wouldn't be if it wasn't for the sponsors.

Standings - mathematical mysteries.

Color commentary - unintelligible utterances or homespun advice delivered exclusively in a West Virginian drawl.

Cockpit - the place to find a rookie driver when he is experiencing a crash, a talented driver when he is causing a crash and an experienced driver when he is avoiding a crash.

Checkered flag - end of the race - start of the sales pitch.
Eg. "The KINKOS/OUTBACKSTEAKHOUSE/SNAPONTOOLS/WONDERBRA/CHEVYMALIBU was running perfectly today thanks to our PENNZOIL/GOODYEAR/MONROESHOCKS/MASTERCARD pit crew. I want to thank God (Bill France) and my Savior Jesus for letting us run so well today and I hope y'all will come out to watch us at the BUDWEISER/HOOTERS/STARBUCKS/WAL-MART 500 next week at the FORDCUSTOMRACING Speedway in East Podunk, Nebraska. God (Bill France) Bless America and all our Armed Forces Everywhere! GO ARMY!"