Schlock Talk

I haven't been posting for quite some time. See my previous post for a cryptic explanation.  Now that I'm in a better place it took something quite special to bring me out of my self imposed hiatus.

That something is none other than Howard Tayler's epic online illustrated space opera "Schlock Mercenary". I just lost a bunch of you because you clicked and left me to peruse the Schlockverse.  That's OK.  That's exactly why I posted.

Howard has a new book coming out.  Try the online archives then I dare you NOT to buy his books.

Oh, and it's nice to be back.

Shalom

NASCAR Life

NASCAR definitions that sound like life lessons:

Understeer - hitting the wall with the front of the car.

Oversteer - hitting the wall with the back of the car.

Push - description of a car that won't turn in smoothly.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - official band of NASCAR events - also the only band ever who failed to be able to buy a vowel on Wheel of Fortune.

Hitting the wall - the result of over driving a car that "pushes", or - trying too hard.

Spin - missing the wall entirely when pushing the car. Also something much worse than it sounds. Also (ironically) to go for a leisurely drive.
Eg. "Experienced NASCAR drivers would all like to take Danica Patrick for a "spin"."

The pits - a place to stop to refuel, change tires, adjust the car's setup or (ironically) the place you find yourself after "hitting the wall".

Racing under caution - doing what you do while it is more dangerous than normal to do - no passing allowed. Also a very good time to visit the pits voluntarily.

Trading paint - bumping other cars to get a better position. Almost all paint swaps are considered unfair by at least one participant.

Penalty - something inexplicable that affects the standings.

Danica Patrick - the ONLY NASCAR driver worth watching/interviewing/photographing.

Crash - the primary reason 30 to 50 thousand fans will attend a NASCAR event is to see at least one. Ironically, to hopefully be involved in one is also the reason 30 to 50 percent of all NASCAR drivers enter any given race.

Sponsor - persons and corporations who pay to have their names and corporate logos painted on the cars - also a NASCAR slang term that means "has more money than brains".

Rookie driver - someone in immanent danger of experiencing a crash.

Bill France - God, on Sunday afternoon AFTER church is done.

Richard Petty - The Holy Spirit of NASCAR. Possibly also a member of the Osmond clan (dental records need to be checked).

Budweiser - sponsor and lubricant, but not a lubricant manufacturing sponsor. Also the official fuel of all NASCAR fans.

Corner - the place the crashes happen.

Straightaway - the place you prepare for the crash.

Talented driver - a driver who mostly causes other drivers to crash.

Lubricant - see "Budweiser" also "sponsor".

Wrench - Verb: (1) to violently pull, twist or sever or (2) to repair a car. Noun: a mechanic. NASCAR mechanics perform #2 while Canadian Tire mechanics mostly perform #1.

Experienced driver - multiple crash survivor.

Pace car - the one car on the track that really doesn't belong there and wouldn't be if it wasn't for the sponsors.

Standings - mathematical mysteries.

Color commentary - unintelligible utterances or homespun advice delivered exclusively in a West Virginian drawl.

Cockpit - the place to find a rookie driver when he is experiencing a crash, a talented driver when he is causing a crash and an experienced driver when he is avoiding a crash.

Checkered flag - end of the race - start of the sales pitch.
Eg. "The KINKOS/OUTBACKSTEAKHOUSE/SNAPONTOOLS/WONDERBRA/CHEVYMALIBU was running perfectly today thanks to our PENNZOIL/GOODYEAR/MONROESHOCKS/MASTERCARD pit crew. I want to thank God (Bill France) and my Savior Jesus for letting us run so well today and I hope y'all will come out to watch us at the BUDWEISER/HOOTERS/STARBUCKS/WAL-MART 500 next week at the FORDCUSTOMRACING Speedway in East Podunk, Nebraska. God (Bill France) Bless America and all our Armed Forces Everywhere! GO ARMY!"

Follow Up Release

Hot on the heels of my outrageously inaccessible debut CD we are offering an equally unavailable follow-up release guaranteed to generate at least as much spurious interest as any non-event you have never witnessed.

Due to purely speculative creative differences between my id and super-ego I/we were forced to rename the group while imaginary yet concretely expensive solicitors hash out the contract disputes in a Kangaroo court located (conveniently) in Perth, Australia.


p-y method

for the new metaphors

Remember - We're Incognito Records - you can't find us because we don't want to be found.

My Debut Album

Ever wonder how graphic designers, publicists and artists get their collective visions together to launch a debut album and still have time to schmooze and party with the glitteratti? I think the GameGhost may have figured it out. So what follows is the debut album art, band name and title for my new indie/trans/techno/roots/Christian/funk/blues/metal/folk CD.

Enjoy the fantasy people.




Ponga Asturias
Of The Greatest Virtues

Available on Incognito Records
If you can find us, you're good!

Now - back to work everybody!

Arts & Culture Roundup

So we took in the "Andy Warhol - Larger Than Life" exhibit at the MacKenzie Art Gallery on Saturday. The best part of the experience was being with the Ashton family, especially Beth who is their "arts" child - now living in the BC lower mainland - who was back to visit for the Easter weekend. We miss her but it was good to catch up and fun to see art together and discuss it. I like Warhol because, for me, he made modern and abstract art more accessible. When it comes to fine art and visual stuff I'm pretty much a philistine in a trendy t-shirt. I will say that the exhibit is quite good, well conserved and displayed with interpretive tours available. I say it's worth the $12. So check it out. (BTW the pic on this entry is attributed to Warhol but it came from the World Wide Weird Web so who really knows.)

The CBC just took their radio orchestra (the last such ensemble in North America) out behind the barn and shot it according to a report I heard on CBC radio this morning. My fav quote was from an emotional and understandably upset orchestra member, "They're taking this away so they can pay banjo players!" (This isn't verbatim but it's the best my shaky memory can do.) I love all kinds of music, and music is supposed to be the universal language of acceptance and peace, but take away an oboe player's meal ticket and it's every sensitive artist for themselves. Banjo players vs. cello players, the brass section vs. the percussion section, vocalists vs. the strings, rockers vs. folkies.... Oh, the humanity! Where will it end?

And once again the CBC management manages to live down to the reputation they have earned for being insensitive, heavy handed, myopic and artless. As a final point, the annual budget for the radio orchestra is under one million dollars. That's about what Rick Mercer has in his spare change holder on his bedroom dresser. Let's add managerially inept to the descriptive list above. Monkeys could figure out a plan to keep the radio orchestra going inside the CBC budget. If the CBC worked like public TV does in the US - even just a little bit - the listeners in Canada could be approached to help fund this and I bet they would.

As most of you know my real love is music, and usually popular stuff, by I am an eclectic listener so here's an overview of what I'm listening to and looking forward to listening to:

The Luther College High School Choirs Home Concert is taking place on Sunday, April 20th at Christ Lutheran Church, 4825 Dewdney Avenue, Regina at 7:30PM. Simply put this is an exceptional night of music from a program that always impresses and delivers a truly musical experience.

Nils Lofgren, guitar virtuoso and perennial member of the E Street Band is the source of my favourite quote about "The Boss". In the 1996 video released to support the EP "Blood Brothers" Lofgren says something to the effect that, "He (Springsteen) always has half an album in his back pocket. He's always got a few tunes he's working on and they're always good. Really, really good! I hate him." Obviously tongue-in-cheek, yet poignant and truthful from someone who should know and who has suffered and benefited from a long-running and tempestuous relationship with the guy I like to call the "rockin' Dylan". Still, Lofgren and the rest of the E Street Band has come together on Bruce Springsteen's latest album, "Magic", and my friends, it is.

I'll simply say this, if rootsy rock 'n' roll infused with cinematographic lyrics, virtuoso musicianship, killer production and acute social sensibility is your cup 'o' tea then this is it. I got mine for $9.99 on sale at HMV and frankly it was a steal because there isn't a bad tune on the whole disc.

The unlikely pairing of Robert Plant and Alison Krauss for the making of "Raising Sand" was one of those musical experiments that I was frankly a bit dubious about, despite all of the critical acclaim. I was wrong! (Does admitting that make me a 'bigger man', and will that question be a source of schadenfreude-based humour for many of you at my expense? Wait, why do I care? Nobody's reading this anyway. Whew - relief!) Anyhoo, the "Raising Sand" CD has been one of my recent happy discoveries and it also suggests to me that not every current music critic is a vacuous gasbag bent on shameless self-promotion or the pursuit of the sound of their own voice. (Hey, am I in that group? Naaahhh!) "Raising Sand" - try it, you'll like it.

Susie and I just purchased tickets to see Mark Knopfler in concert at the Conexus Arts Centre on Wednesday, July 9th. We saw Mark once before in Edmonton when he was still doing the "Dire Straits rock 'n' roll band" as he described it. All I could say to anyone who asked me about the show was, "Oh yeah! The boy can play!" If you want to see one of the greatest living guitarists and a fine, fine songwriter doing his thing then get on board. Mark may not be the "top of the pops" these days, but that might actually be a GOOD thing!

Months ago we also obtained tickets to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers in Edmonton in August. We've been listening to Tom and the boys since we got married, so this, like the Knopfler concert, will be a nostalgic experience. I guess we're just a couple of middle-aged rockers now. (Hey, Hey, Hey!! No jokes about furniture here! I heard that!)

So we're getting some art into our lives. I am always moved, and amazed, and challenged, and disturbed, and inspired by these artistic encounters. I truly, truly believe that if an artist - whatever kind of art they do - is honest and steadfast in pursuing the truth they will necessarily encounter God, because ALL truth is God's truth. And so I find God playing with His children and intimately involved in their process of making art in the most unlikely and likely of places. I hope you find Him around you too.

"Coming Soon" - a review and discussion of "Horton Hears a Who".

Shalom people.

And Now A Word From Our Sponsors...

So I have recieved two emails asking me if I want to allow 'advertising' on my blogsite. I track my numbers using Statcounter so I KNOW that I am staying very close to maintaining the truth of my tagline - "writing for an audience of one - reaching even fewer". It has to be a scam of some type.

Never the less, and I have received no consideration at all for this, I am going to exhort the 3 of you reading this to check out a dental hygiene product I have begun using.

I have always had trouble flossing. My teeth are tight, crowded and crooked (especially on my lower jaw). I have a small mouth (OK guys - yuk it up to your heart's content on that one), and I have short, stubby fingers attached to meaty palms. I shred regular floss and it gets stuck between my teeth so I have to use extra slippery stuff that is even harder to hold and control. Sheesh.

Well enter the new Reach Access Flosser. If you've tried other flossing tools and given up, take heart, this sucker works! It takes me less than a minute to floss completely down to my gum line and between each tooth with no shredding, gagging, slobber or muttered cursing.

If flossing is difficult for you, or simply inconvenient, then get thee hence to thine apothecary's shop and purchase this modern marvel of applied technology. And what's more, we really need the help as our dental coverage has been "adjusted" and cleanings are covered only every 9 months for us now. So hopefully this will help us keep our teeth and gums healthy until we can visit our hygienist.

There! I've done my good deed for the day/week/month/year/decade/century/millennium.

'Nuff said!

Wheeeee............

I can really get stuff going sometimes. I don't mean to, but it is always an irresistible urge in me to ramp up any irony I find in a situation - even more so it seems if I have a personal stake in it. The reason I'm saying all of this is because a discussion has been going on over at "At The Master's Feet", a blog I contribute to.

I'm working towards my ordination and something popped up at our recent Association meetings in this regard. It has spilled out into emails and our blog and I may have made things worse. You can read and decide for yourselves.

The point I want to make here is this: I'm a Christian and a pastor - and I sometimes have no idea whether or not I'm actually helping when I say stuff or ask questions or make observations. I love and respect everyone who is posting on "At The Master's Feet". They are my brothers and I would never want to disrespect or hurt them. But even so, it seems I may have contributed to the creation of a potentially out of control spiral.

It's a good lesson for me, and I want to share it with you. Most folks think "Christians" are folks who believe they have all the answers, are always right and are never confused. "Monkey Feathers!" Says I!!

We struggle with our understandings, our issues and our doubts as much as anyone else does. What keeps me staying the course is that I really believe that Jesus wins! I really believe that grace and mercy and love and forgiveness wins. I am confident that even though I may be confused and uncertain sometimes, if I fight for the loving, gracious, positive choice then I will have glorified God and it will work out.

You can go to dozens and dozens of websites on the internet and read the writings of the confident and assured Christians who have an answer for everything. I love being involved with the wonderful guys on "At The Master's Feet" because they are willing to 'get into it'. And maybe that means that we will occasionally ride an out of control spiral to somewhere. But Christ is everywhere so.....

WHEEEEEEEE..........

All I Have To Do Is Dream....

I know I already used this title from the classic Everly Brothers song elsewhere on this page, but I like to think Don and Phil are eminently gracious and generous guys - born as they were in another era - and they (hopefully) don't mind. Anyhoo - this reference isn't about me dreaming about ground piloting a Lingenfelter Performance Engineering massaged Corvette at near obscene speeds across a day long Texas road - top down, tunes up, grin wide. *sigh - drool*

Nope, I'm riffing on the fact that for nearly 5 years - maybe longer - I have not been dreaming. This has been due to the fact that I have been suffering from severe obstructive sleep apnea. Yep, according to the results of my polysomngraphy test - taken just over 2 weeks ago at the Regina General Hospital Sleep Disorders Laboratory - my brain was trying to wake me up 130 times an hour so I could breathe!

Sheesh!

I know I can be persistent and annoying, but I had hoped that less-than-charming facet of my personality would be damped down a bit while I am unconscious (or semi-unconscious). But, hey! Wherever you go - there you are! The practical upshot of my brain seeking oxygen with such vigor was that I couldn't experience all the levels of sleep - REM sleep being one notable level I haven't visited in a looonnngggg time!

I hadn't dreamed in so long I wasn't even getting reminders anymore - like that guy in the TV ad about sleep disorders. My dreams weren't hanging out in my kitchen or office complaining that I never spent time with them anymore. Evidently they had simply left me a note saying;

"Dear Brian,
Well we're pretty much totally frustrated here so we decided to move to a retirement community in south Florida. If you decide to look us up our phone number is 786-32X-XXX5*. Call sometime, schmuck!

Pleasant dreams.

NOT!"

You know you're in trouble when your dreams abandon you!

Well I got my CPAP unit a week ago Tuesday and I'm back to dreaming, sleeping, waking up not feeling dead and getting through the whole day without falling asleep in the afternoon. I use a Mirage Swift pillow-style mask. It's fairly unobtrusive, but we're getting used to it. I say "we" because for the last couple of years my snoring and stopping breathing was not just interrupting my sleep but my wife's sleep too. We actually have slept in separate rooms for almost one year.

The first night we were so unused to being together we thought the bed had shrunk - 'cause we sure couldn't admit we might have gotten bigger, eh?!? And we actually spent 3 days shopping for and considering moving up to a king from a queen-sized mattress. But a week has gone by now and things are settling down. We seem to have re-accommodated each other and we are happy to be "together" again. The last year was one of those challenges in marriage they don't warn you about.

While I'm on a personal health note here I've also found something to help me with my tinnitus. Actually, I haven't gotten a proper diagnosis of that, despite seeing an ear specialist over a year ago. The whole experience with him was quite disappointing.

*Digressive Commentary - If I had a reasonable amount of compensation for every time we have used the term "quite disappointing" in reference to health care since we have moved to Flatland I suspect we'd be nearly debt free. Whatever you think is wrong with your local health care system just amp it up a few orders of magnitude and you'll get the picture of what it's like on a daily basis here. I call it "Your tax dollars in inaction." - End Digression.*

He told me I had chronic listening fatigue and that I also had some considerable loss in mid and high frequencies in my left ear - something I already knew. My prescription? Wear earplugs while driving! For that this guy gets a six figure income! Sheesh!

Thus I was left to self-diagnose. I may not have full-blown tinnitus but I have enough symptoms to suggest a mild case or possible Meniere's Disease. The reality for me was that the hissing, rushing sound in my ears was getting so loud I was having trouble hearing, especially voices in ambiently noisy conditions. This was getting really traumatic for me because I am a HUGE music lover and the thought of losing the ability to rest in the arms of my musical muse was chilling to say the least.

I once got into a heated debate with my mother-in-law about whether it would be worse to be blind or deaf. I'd take blindness if I had to choose. I might not be able to see, but I could still hear the voices of the ones I love, experience the music that moves and motivates me and communicate with others relatively easily. In fact, it would probably make me a better listener - something I have been told many times I need to work on, and I do.

So one night I'm watching Jeopardy - God love Alex Trebek - and on comes an ad for a product called Lipo-Flavinoid. Well faster than you can say "Google that" I'm doing online research, a couple of hours later I'm ordering some and now I'm blogging that I'm already feeling better after only taking this stuff for a few days. The websites say I should take this product regularly for at least 6 months, but I'm sure I've already experienced some relief. And you can't get this in Canada. Pity. Again our socialist, government-controlled, big-business friendly wonky health care system does not fail to disappoint.

Nevertheless, it seems the internet has just given me a new reason not to write it off as nothing more than a cesspool of porn and self-indulgence in that I can order life-altering substances online for reasonable prices - thanks to a buoyant Canadian dollar - and have them shipped to me with a minimum of fuss. All that and I can find out of print books, comics and lps - maybe I'll let the internet live after all.

And now all I have to do is dream. Dream about being rested and re-energized as I learn to sleep and dream again. And I can dream of a day - hopefully soon - when I can clearly hear all the subtleties in a song, the delicacy of a bird call, or the words spoken by my wife, or son, or friend. Now I all have to do is dream that my dreams have not abandoned me and that nightmares are not all that lies before me. And praise God, it seems some of my dreams may be coming true, soon.

Shalom
*Pursuing it.*
*Sharing it.*

*You know if I hadn't put those X's in that made up phone number some goof would have tried to dial it.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

If ya can't beat 'em.

My pirate name is:

Iron Sam Cash

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Get a BETTER name.

He's named after a bird.

A little bird!

Jack Sparrow (pah!) meet IRON SAM CASH!

I'm probably taking this whole Johnny Depp/Cap'n Jack Sparrow thing too far but, hey - PIRATE!

Arrrr!

Pirate!

OK.

My wife bought tickets to the new "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. Three days in advance of the day we will go. She's home right now watching the first movie, and will likely watch the second movie too before we go on Saturday to see more.

My marriage has officially gotten very crowded now that Johnny Depp has moved in.

First there was the safely quirky "Edward Scissorhands".

Then the innocent and cute "Benny and Joon".

Next thing I know the guy's playing "Don Juan DeMarco" with every woman in North America.

And now the guy's a PIRATE and he's everywhere I LOOK!!!

But can I go on and on about Marg Helgenberger...(gimme a break guys - I'm a bit older, OK?)...Noooooooooooooooooo!!

Bloody pirate!

*spits*

Old Tech Rules!

Before your church writes that big cheque for that Power Point/Multi-Media Nightmare System you better contemplate this.

"Gosh, Pastor, the power's out. Where did we store the candles and Hymnals?"

"Doah!"


Shalom

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay Too Serious

There hasn't been much that could be called "amusing" in "a musings" lately. I just re-read my entries and it's no wonder nobody reads this stuff. I'm positively morbid lately. Sheeeesh!

So here's my attempt to lighten up.

What can you find on most middle-class North American Christians and also on their Bibles? - (Love) Handles.

What's the single most popular Christian bumper sticker?
The one that best covers the scratch on the bumper.

If a "Pastor's Office" is the position of authority and responsibility he or she is the steward of within the church body then what's a "Pastor's Study" for?
About 20 hours a week if their sermons are going to be worth listening to.

What's the best way to frustrate a fundamentalist Christian?
Tell him or her that you don't agree with them, but stubbornly refuse to argue about it.

If obesity is becoming a world-wide problem then what will it mean when we sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hand"?
God may soon be suffering from carpel-tunnel syndrome.

When I was a kid I thought the benches in church were called "pews" because of the way they smelled.

My dad used to say, "Point weak? Pound pulpit harder!" I used to think that was how they came up with the term "Bible thumper".

In grade 8 everyone in my class agreed that if our math teacher asked "How do you find the hypotenuse?" on our geometry mid-term we would all answer "Look for tracks around the watering hole." He did. We did. He didn't think it was funny. We thought it was hilarious.

The first time I was in a Catholic Church I thought the folding kneeling rails were padded footrests, but that they weren't very comfortably placed.

Hey I said it was an attempt! It was not qualified by any adjectives.

On Sunday the Pastor bragged that he could write his sermons in the time it took him to walk from the parsonage to the church. Believing that quantity might lead to quality the Church Board sold the parsonage, which was next door to the church, and bought a new home for the pastor on the other side of town.

Excuse me now, I need to go for a long walk.

Shalom.